By Mike Bianchi
The Orlando Sentinel
BOSTON -- It is a cold, drizzly Tuesday and the City of Boston is in a state of depression -- and panic.
The arrogant and success-spoiled sports fans up here never thought the upstart Orlando Magic would invade Beantown and steal Game 1 away from the dynastic Boston Celtics.
As the wind wails through the courtyard of the Old North Church, you begin to hear the thunderous tramp of hooves -- the clamping clop of Paul Revere's stallion.
And, yes, you can hear Revere surreally warning anyone within earshot: "The Magic are coming! The Magic are coming!"
And then a ghostly narrator whispers the words of a famous poem written long ago.
Except the words have been altered to reflect a new intruder to this historic haunt.
With apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, we bring you: "Paul Revere Rides Again!"
Listen my children and you shall hear,
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
It was the 5th of May in 2009,
As the Boston fans began to whine.
K.G.'s hurt and so is Powe,
We're tired, fatigued, our feet are slow!
Come on Paul, mount your steed,
And help us in our time of need.
You warned us of the British sword,
When they marched toward Concord,
But now we teeter on another ledge,
The Magic have stolen our homecourt edge.
The lantern will hang in the Old North Church,
Before you begin your nocturnal search,
The lamp will be in the belfry arch,
A beacon to halt Orlando's march.
You're the messenger who must heed the strobe,
Since we can no longer count on the Boston Globe,
This is what our secret code shall be:
"A win if by land; a loss if by three!"
A madman coach has invaded our city,
He yells and screams and he ain't too pretty,
They say his name is Stan Van Gundy,
And if we don't fight, we'll be swept by Sunday.
So Paul rode like a flash through the dead of the night,
To warn Doc and his team of the power of Dwight,
"He's big and strong and jumps higher than a mile!
"He'll dunk on your head while wearing a smile."
The Celtics had never seen such a body of muscle,
Could Dwight really be the second coming of Bill Russell?
Paul warned, "He's a freak with lethal elbows!
"He's even been known to break his own player's nose!"
And beware of Rashard, who in Game 6 vs. Philly,
Started to earn his $118 milly,
He's shooting the trey and posting up on the block,
For three games now, he's been solid as a rock.
Then there's J.J. and Pietrus and Turk on the wing,
Jacking up shots; letting them fling,
If the treys are falling, the Magic are hearty,
They'll turn this series into a Boston Three Party.
As it started getting late, the news got even worse,
You could hear Boston coaches starting to curse,
As Paul cantered his horse into the midnight clear,
He alarmingly proclaimed, "Courtney Lee is here!"
Courtney found out the hard way it can be a real minus,
When Big Dwight's elbow rearranges your sinus,
But the young rookie hasn't completed his task,
He might play in Game 3 while wearing a mask.
Then the worst blow of all came to Boston's patriotic pride,
After more than 200 years, they learned Paul Revere had lied,
He then joined Benedict Arnold as a fink traitor,
Because he was a secret Magic fan and a Celtic hater.
As the clock struck midnight, Revere rode into the night,
Wearing a Magic T-shirt that said, "Blue and White Ignite!"
When he arrived in Orlando, he traded his horse for a transmitter,
He found out it was quicker to send messages through Twitter.
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